Friday, December 12, 2008

The tree is up! I am not sure why, since it's only two weeks before Christmas and no one will be here. Actually, I do know why. My husband and I have been building this house for the last three years, (I say three, he says two, I'm right ) and I wanted to see where it would go. I was never quite sure during the building project.

I do love Christmas, it's the decorating I stumble on, not the putting up, it's the taking down. The last house we built was put on Christmas tour that year and I decorated more than I ever had. Ever single room in the house! It looked fantastic. That year was an amazing year. I went on a walk to Emmaus in October, my youngest daughter went on a Chrysalis the weekend of Thanksgiving, the house was on Christmas tour the first weekend of December and my oldest daughter's wedding was two weeks later. Needless to say, I was tired. My husband wanted all the decorations down as soon as Christmas was over. I beg him, "please, lets leave it up until Valentines Day, it's all red"! We ended up in a big fight and I started putting the decorations up one night starting at midnight. I never really wanted to go all out like that again.

That's the end of that thought, not sure why I talked about it. Maybe it's another rabbit. I have worked several walks since that pilgrimage in 2001 and I had the privilege of working as a lay director this November on the "best walk ever" :) What an amazing experience. I noticed during those years that when I gave a talk, I felt the desire to step away from my notes and the podium, but was afraid I would make a mess of things. I wanted to be more free and able to say what was on my heart and I admired the way some women made it look so easy. It is not that easy to be free when you are in front of people. As I grew in confidence and healing I was able to trust my instincts to tell a quick story and then get back to my notes. I think that is what this desire to write is all about. I want to chase all the rabbits that I wouldn't let myself go after.

However, I am finding it very hard to find the trail back to where I was. I could talk about the building of this house or the walk. I wonder if I could tie the two together?

The building of this house was an amazing experience. I ended up "boss lady" they said. My husband and I live on a ranch in a rural part of Texas and it is hard to get crews this far out from a major city. So we built with a man and his son from a town of population 6. They had two men that worked with them, until one got fired and the youngest son helped when he was out of school, high school that is. He is a Senior this year. But a very talented family to say the least. I asked Rickey, "why is it taking so long to build this house"? He said "because Donny measures everything 62 times". But our walls are straight and everything is level. And did I mention well built. On my!!! Over built maybe. I sold real estate in my other life and I learned that there are things a man looks for in a house and things a women sees. A man for instance would tell me about the size of 2 X 4's in the walls, that they were 2 X 6's instead of 2 X 4's so therefore, his house was built better than any other, the better house and the better buy. The women just wanted me to tell her it was a nice house, beautifully decorated and would make someone else a wonderful home. I feel her pain. As I bring friends through this house I secretly wait to hear her say how wonderful it is. Not that they don't say it, I'm just waiting for something I can't quite put my finger on.

And I guess that is what I am waiting to hear about the walk. I was the lay director, so I was making the decisions, directing it, putting my heart into it. And don't get me wrong I have been told that it was great. And I know it was. Anything God is in is always going to be amazing. I am just wanting to know more, somehow. Like all the little things that went into the tapestry of it. What was the common thread? Was it forgiveness, freedom, peace? I wish that I had been more a part of the ministry and counseling. I had that experience a couple of times in the past and I have wanted to do more ever since. However, my spirit is quickening and the thought in my mind is, "remember your promise to me"? Yes Lord, I do. My son's deployment date started out in August this year, then was moved to November and ended up being in October. But during the time when I didn't know when he would leave I had to come to grips with the fact that this walk was not mine and it would go on without me. So my job was to do my job for the Lord and no one else. And if he walked me right up to it and then took moved me away from it. I was to give it up with no regrets. Freely, sweetly, earnestly, joyfully.

So I guess, in retrospect, I know everything I need to know about what the Lord accomplished on that walk and in the building of this house. They were both built with purpose, joy and peace, and that is everything I wanted. The Spirit of the Lord is here and I am right at home. My honey is sitting beside me, channel surfing, promising me he will take me out in the pasture tomorrow to show me a a heifer that is amazing. The family is all good, the walk was so good and I am blessed indeed. I praise the Lord for what he has let me be a part of.

Jeremy is doing well, I get to talk to him every morning via instant messaging. I talk to him more now than I ever did. And that story line is a great big rabbit I'll chase at another time.

On a quick side note, my 5 year old grandson, Tyler came over tonight to show me what he got for me for Christmas. The Smith men can never keep a secret when it comes to Christmas shopping. As soon as they buy it, they come right home to show you. It's really funny, anyway Tyler bought me a "glamour girl" makeover kit. It must be the largest size they had on the shelf (in the toy isle). I have 4 body glitters, 16 lip glosses, 6 lipsticks, 6 nail polishes, 2 body crayons, 16 eye shadows, 4 shimmer powders, 4 glitter powders, 10 hair bands and 3 applicators.

Sweet, it's going to be a good Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone. I pray you have a joy filled Christmas and a peace filled New Year. Thank you Lord Jesus.
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