Sunday, June 14, 2009

Heavy Heart and Crazy Love

Girls, I've got one.  A heavy one.  It was harder to send him back than it was to let go the first time.  I started noticing this feeling a few days ago.  It even shows up in my lack of photography.  I took pictures until I just stopped.  I didn't pick up the camera and take the shot of his boots by my "God Bess America" picture,  I didn't take my camera with me to the airport this morning.  No parting shots, no dressed in his uniform shots . . . I just stopped. 

It was just something about the space he filled up.  Now it feels empty, like a vacuum, somehow.  It's one of those feelings like, when you know you can't let go because you might not stop . . .  crying.  And he's fine, you know, I know he's fine.  Right now he is in an airplane sleeping, probably, flying back to Germany or Ireland where they stop to re-fuel, then on to Kuwait where they stop for a few days then back into Iraq.  He says their work is slowing down and things are good.  But it was just harder this time.
He's found a girl he's crazy about, now they have five more months before he's home again and we'll see what the future holds.  One thing I do know . . . BIG GOD!  I know that.  God's story.  Know that.  He creates; we're created.  Got it.   He's in control.  I trust Him.  His word says that all that concerns me, concerns Him.  Believe that.

I bought the book by Frances Chan "Crazy Love."  I am just a few chapters in and he's talking about death.   Not to be morbid here but it is a reality.  And none of us have the next second promised.  So are you Ready?  Am I?  When I stand before a Holy God, will the things I thought important burn in the fire and I escape with all that I cared about burning up as paper and wood or will my life show that I worshiped God in everything I do? 
Okay, Husband just called me down stairs and I promptly yelled at him.  I do that when I'm dealing with something that I don't know what to do with it.  That's yet another chapter in Chan's book, it's a bit arrogant to allow stress to bother us when we are commanded to not be anxious about anything but in everything with praise and thanksgiving present your request o God.  I love this verse.  Then it follows up with the promise that the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. 
An excerpt from Chan's book, page 42;
"Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional.  Both worry and stress reek of arrogance." 
He is a Big God.  He knows Jeremy.  He knows his heart, he knows his situation, better than me.  Thankfully He is in control, not me.  Can I rejoice even when I'm feeling down?  I will.  
More from Chan's book;

"The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of Him.  It may seem a hopeless endeavor, to gaze at the invisible God.  But Romans 1:20 tells us that through creation, we see His 'invisible qualities' and 'divine nature.'

Go to and view the "Awe Factor."

My mouth dropped open and then all the emotions I have been suppressing came forward. 
  I. Am. Speechless.  
I am. 

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.  Day after day they port forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.  There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.  Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.  Psalm 19:1-4 

Another of my favorite books is by Louie Giglio
"i am not but I know I AM."

In it he writes;

"The skies declare that I AM is huge, but Calvary affirms that I AM has the best interest of every I am not in mind at all times.  Our God is in the heavens and the whole world is under His command, but now because of Christ we can personally know how much He loves us and believe that He is using everything that comes our way for His glory and for our ultimate good.  
It is time for you and me to live as those who can never be the same because we have encountered both the great power and the great love of  I AM.  
And in the days to come, when you're questioning, needing, searching, wondering, asking, and struggling, you will find His sufficiency at the end of every desperate prayer.  When you cry out all the things that you are not, you'll know His answer is, I AM.

Lord, protect my son.

I'm not sure why I'm here.

I'm tired.

I quit!

I can't.

I need a drink.

I need a lover.

Somebody just hold me.

What does this great I AM say of Himself?  He says to you and to me:  "I am the way, I am the truth, and I am the life.  I am the resurrection and the life.  I am Savior.  I am Jesus--the solution, the restorer, the builder, the answer, the Wise One, the Coming One, the Mighty One.  I am the Lord and there is no other.  I am God and there is none besides Me.  I am the First and the Last.  I am Alpha and Omega.  I am the Beginning and the End.  I am the Lord, that is My name, and I will not give My glory to another, or any of my praise to idols.  I AM THAT I AM,  and that is My name--My memorial name to every single generation."

That include you, this generation, this time, this day, this hour, this moment.
Who am i to worry?  i am not but i know I AM.


Dawn Jenkins said...

I LOVE this post. I love YOU!!! I have been thinking/praying for you all day! I can't imagine the ache, but your Father knows EXACTLY how you feel. I am glad you like Crazy Love... I will email you with my T=shirt...WOO HOOO!!!!

HappyascanB said...

Love this post. It's so passionate and full of your heart!! I can't imagine how sad you must've been to watch him get back on that plane. Crazy Love is a book I've wanted to read for a while now. Definitely going to go buy it!

Belinda said...

LOVE the post, makes me think of my boys that are 17 & 14 so my time will come and then I will call you and say How did you get through it? God is a huge God and He is in control we are not.Jeremey may be planting seeds over there and God needs him back to finish the garden and reep the harvest.We may not ever know.But 1 thing is certain....God is using your son and you gotta let God do what He does best........

Shanda said...

This is such an amazing post! I know your heart is full; it is splashing out onto all of us and for that I am grateful! We are agreeing with you in prayer for your son.

I have been wanting to read "Crazy Love" for awhile too; it just bumped up to the top of my list.

Blessings sweet sister!

Sherry said...

prayers and tears for you.....

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the sweet comments to Alyssa she is a very mature little girl and I will share those thoughts at bedtime when we have a little prayer time, I can't imagine how heavy your heart is worrying about your sweet boy. I have to say I've been feeling sorry for myself because I never get to see my 19 year old son and your post reminded me that there are a lot of moms out there who have their boys defending this country that they see a heck of a lot of less then me so maybe I need to quit whining...

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